how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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