Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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