OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
