I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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