he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
