That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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