just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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