Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
