I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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