I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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