I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
