I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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