How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
