I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize