At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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