dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
