Only a mothe r could love this liver
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
