i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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