Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
