I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
