She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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