She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
