Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
