tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
