I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
