was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
