There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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