the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
