I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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