I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
