You just made me feel so damn special
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You took a bar mat shot.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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