She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
