apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
