Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
