This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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