if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
