I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
