The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
