Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just had sex on a roof
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
