Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
