my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
