You just made me feel so damn special
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
