Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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