My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I met the friendliest cop last night
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Randomize
