I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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