we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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