I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
