Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My life is pants optional.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
