if you like me you must not know who I am
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
