I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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