she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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