I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize