saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
