I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
