Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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