I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
