When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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