my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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