my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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