btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize