True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
if only i could text you this smell
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Green mimosas i think yes
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
