Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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